What Makes a Skilful Parent? Meeting Children Where They Are.

Hello everyone,

Parents often ask me, "What does it take to be a skilful parent?" The answer, in part, lies in how we meet our children right where they are—understanding their developmental stage and adjusting our parenting approach to support them.

Children Are Whole People
It’s crucial to remember that children are whole and complete individuals with valid feelings, opinions, and ideas. Their experiences are just as rich and meaningful as ours, even though their developmental stage is different. Understanding and honouring this difference is essential to skilful parenting. Each developmental phase comes with its unique challenges, and it’s important to meet your child where they are, not where you expect them to be. For example, child psychologist Justin Coulson talks about kids being in a HALT state—Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. In these moments, children may not be able to handle even the simplest tasks or situations. Expecting them to behave as they would when not in this state or holding them to the same expectations that we have for ourselves can lead to frustration for both parent and child. The key is understanding their developmental ability and adjusting your expectations to help them grow.

Here are some key strategies that can help us become skilful parents:

Setting Achievable Goals
When working on improving behaviour, it’s essential to choose an achievable goal. Trying to change everything at once can be overwhelming for both you and your child. Instead, pick the most frustrating behavioural challenge and focus on that first. By breaking it down, you create a more manageable pathway to success.

Consistency Is Key
One of the cornerstones of skilful parenting is consistency. As much as possible, try to ensure that all caregivers are on the same page. This can be challenging, especially for single parents, separated families, or those co-parenting in difficult situations. But even if consistency isn’t always achievable in every area, know that your individual efforts are making a significant difference in your child’s life.

Persistence Pays Off
When trying new strategies to address a specific challenge, give them time to work. Implement your new approach consistently for at least one to two weeks before making any adjustments. This persistence helps both you and your child adapt to the new expectations and practices.

Be Kind to Yourself
Parenting is hard work, and trying new strategies can feel overwhelming. It’s perfectly normal to feel frustrated or even to struggle with the changes you’re trying to make. Remember, the first few changes are often the hardest, but with time, these practices will become second nature. Be patient with yourself and trust the process.

Positivity and Patience
Change doesn’t happen overnight. It can take two to four weeks to start seeing the results of new strategies, and it may take children even longer—up to two months—to fully learn new behaviours. Staying positive and trusting in the process is crucial. Believe in your child’s ability to grow and adapt and give them the time they need to replace old habits with constructive ones.

Tailor Strategies to Your Child
While there are many great techniques out there, remember that you know your child best. Not every strategy will work for every child, and that’s okay. If something isn’t working, it’s perfectly fine to tweak it or try a different approach. Flexibility is an important part of skilful parenting.

Take Care of Yourself
Parenting is one of the most demanding jobs, and it’s easy to get burnt out, especially if you’re juggling other responsibilities like a career or caregiving for older family members. That’s why self-care isn’t just a luxury; it’s essential. Even if it’s just five minutes a day, find time to do something that replenishes your energy. A well-rested, emotionally balanced parent is better equipped to support their child effectively.

It’s a Long Game
Parenting is not about perfection—it’s about progress. There will always be good days and bad days, breakthroughs and breakdowns. The key is to play the long game. Over time, by consistently practicing compassionate, effective parenting, we help raise joyful, self-assured, curious, and kind young people who grow into confident adults.

On those tough parenting days, what keeps us going? It’s knowing that we’re offering our children the richest gift—raising them with compassion and understanding. This choice, to parent with love and respect, is the foundation of skilful parenting. It’s not about being perfect, but about showing up every day with the best intentions and learning as we go. Remember that bad days with ruptures aren’t all bad- they can actually be really good opportunities to model repair and conflict resolution.

Final Thoughts
Becoming a skilful parent is a journey of patience, understanding, and self-compassion. By meeting our children where they are developmentally, setting realistic goals, and staying consistent, we can create a nurturing environment that supports their growth.

If you're looking for more insights on parenting strategies, feel free to visit the Better Parent Academy, where you can access resources like my "Small Changes, Big Impact" course.

Remember, it’s okay to take your time, be kind to yourself, and trust that the work you’re doing will have a lasting positive impact on your child.

Thank you for joining me on this parenting journey. You’ve got this!
I wish you joy in your parenting!