What Is the Regulated Parenting Model?

The Regulated Parenting Model (RPM) is a three-phase framework for raising emotionally healthy children, built on the principle that a dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child. I developed the RPM over 30 years of clinical psychology practice working with thousands of families at Kids & Co Clinical Psychology. The three phases are: Regulate First (manage your own nervous system before responding to your child), Connection (build trust and emotional warmth), and Consolidation (set clear boundaries and follow through). It is a trademarked model that forms the foundation of the Better Parent Academy and my four published parenting books.

Why I Created This Model

When I started my clinical practice in the early 1990s, the dominant parenting advice fell into two camps. On one side, there were the behaviourists: reward charts, time-out procedures, logical consequences. On the other, there were the attachment-focused approaches: follow the child's lead, never say no, prioritise the relationship above all else.

Both had merit. Both were incomplete.

What I kept seeing in my consulting room was a gap. Parents would come in having read every parenting book on the shelf. They knew the techniques. They could describe what they should do. But when their child melted down in the shopping centre or screamed at them across the dinner table, all that knowledge evaporated. They yelled. They gave in. They did the exact thing they had sworn not to do.

And then they felt terrible about it.

The missing piece was not more strategies. It was the parent's own capacity to stay regulated in the face of their child's big emotions. That insight became the foundation of everything I have built since: my clinical practice across six Kids & Co locations, my four books, and the Better Parent Academy.

The Three Phases of the Regulated Parenting Model

Phase 1: Regulate First

This is where the RPM begins, and it is what makes it different from most other parenting programmes. Before you address your child's behaviour, you address your own internal state.

When your child is having a meltdown, your nervous system registers that as a stressor. Your heart rate increases. Your muscles tense. Cortisol surges. If you respond from that activated state, you are reacting, not responding. You are adding your dysregulation to theirs, and the situation escalates.

Regulate First means learning to recognise your own escalation signals (the clenched jaw, the rising heat, the racing thoughts) and having a practised, reliable way to interrupt that response. For some parents, it is three slow breaths. For others, it is pressing their feet into the floor or placing a hand on their chest. The specific technique matters less than the consistency of practice.

I teach this first because it is the foundation everything else depends on. You cannot build connection while you are shouting. You cannot set calm boundaries while your nervous system is in fight-or-flight. Regulation is not a luxury. It is a prerequisite.

The neuroscience supports this. Research in co-regulation, particularly the work coming out of interpersonal neurobiology, shows that children's nervous systems are profoundly influenced by the emotional state of their caregivers. When you are calm, your child's nervous system has something stable to organise around. When you are dysregulated, they mirror your chaos.

Phase 2: Connection

Once you are regulated, the next step is connection. This means building and maintaining a warm, trusting relationship with your child so that when you do set limits (Phase 3), those limits are experienced as safety rather than rejection.

Connection looks different at every age. With a toddler, it might be getting down to their eye level and naming their emotion: "You are really frustrated that the tower fell down." With a school-age child, it might be ten minutes of undivided attention after school, asking about their day without simultaneously checking your phone. With a teenager, it might be driving them somewhere without interrogating them, just being present and available.

The key insight is this: connection is not the same as permissiveness. Connecting with your child does not mean agreeing with their behaviour or removing all limits. It means the child knows, at a felt level, that you see them, that you care, and that you are on their side. That felt sense of safety is what makes them able to accept a boundary without falling apart.

In my clinical experience, parents who skip this phase and go straight to boundaries end up in power struggles. The child does not feel connected enough to trust the parent's limits, so they resist everything. The parent gets more rigid, the child gets more defiant, and the whole relationship becomes adversarial. Connection breaks that cycle.

Phase 3: Consolidation

This is where boundaries, expectations, choices, and consequences live. Once you are regulated and connected, you are in the strongest possible position to set limits that actually stick.

Consolidation includes:

• Clear expectations: three to five non-negotiable family rules that everyone understands and that are enforced consistently.
• Choices within boundaries: "It is time to get dressed. Do you want the blue shirt or the green shirt?" The boundary (getting dressed) does not move. The child gets agency within it.
• Natural and logical consequences: if you throw the toy, the toy goes away. If you do not finish homework, there is no screen time. Consequences are stated in advance, delivered calmly, and followed through consistently.
• Repair after rupture: when you (inevitably) lose your temper, you come back and take responsibility. This models accountability and teaches the child that relationships can withstand conflict.

The sequence matters. Boundaries without regulation become harsh. Boundaries without connection become cold. But boundaries with regulation and connection? Those are experienced by the child as safety, structure, and love.

How the RPM Compares to Other Approaches

I have enormous respect for other evidence-based parenting programmes. The field is better for having multiple approaches, and I often recommend them to families in my practice when they are the right fit.

Triple P (Positive Parenting Program)

Triple P is one of the most rigorously researched parenting programmes in the world, developed at the University of Queensland. It provides a comprehensive toolkit of specific strategies for managing children's behaviour at different developmental stages. Where the RPM and Triple P diverge is the starting point. Triple P leads with strategies: here are the tools, now apply them. The RPM leads with the parent: regulate yourself first, then the tools will actually work. For parents who already have good emotional regulation and need practical techniques, Triple P is excellent. For parents who know what to do but cannot do it in the heat of the moment, the RPM fills a gap that strategy-based approaches do not always address.

Circle of Security

Circle of Security is a beautiful attachment-based programme focused on helping parents understand their child's attachment needs. It teaches parents to be a "secure base" from which the child explores and a "safe haven" to which the child returns. The RPM shares this attachment foundation entirely. The difference is emphasis: Circle of Security focuses on reading and responding to the child's cues, while the RPM places equal weight on the parent's own regulation as the precondition for being able to respond sensitively. They complement each other well.

Gentle Parenting and Respectful Parenting

These approaches emphasise empathy, non-punitive discipline, and respecting the child as a full person. I share those values. Where I see some gentle parenting advice become problematic is when empathy replaces boundaries entirely. A child who is always validated but never given a clear limit does not learn to tolerate frustration. The RPM integrates empathy (Phase 2) with firm, consistent limits (Phase 3). You can be gentle and have boundaries. In fact, you must.

Where to Learn the Full Model

I teach the Regulated Parenting Model through several pathways at the Better Parent Academy:

• The Master Course ($1,997): 23 structured lessons covering all three phases in depth, with practical exercises, real clinical examples, and lifetime access. This is the comprehensive pathway for parents who want to transform their approach from the ground up.
• The Coaching Program ($3,500): live group sessions with me and my clinical team, where you practise RPM skills in real time with feedback. This is for parents who want guided, hands-on support and accountability.
• Mini courses: focused programmes on specific topics like Taming Technology ($397), which applies the RPM framework to screens, phones, and social media.

My four books also provide the model applied to specific age ranges:

• Parenting Made Easy: The Early Years (2013) and Parenting Made Easy: The Middle Years (2015) cover birth through primary school.
• Taming Teens (2019, ISBN 9781922117441) applies the model to adolescence.
• Skilful Parent Happy Child (2023, ISBN 9781925736229) is the most complete written expression of the RPM, covering all ages with updated neuroscience and clinical examples.

The Core Truth That Drives Everything

If you take one thing from this article, let it be this: the most powerful parenting tool you will ever have is your own regulated nervous system.

Not the perfect script. Not the ideal consequence. Not the right reward chart. Your calm. Your groundedness. Your ability to stay present when your child is falling apart.

That is what the Regulated Parenting Model teaches. And after 30 years and thousands of families, I have never seen it fail a parent who genuinely committed to the work.

Frequently Asked Questions

Who created the Regulated Parenting Model?

The Regulated Parenting Model was created by Dr Anna Cohen, a Senior Clinical Psychologist (AHPRA PSY1176554, Doc.Clin.Psych) with over 30 years of experience. Dr Cohen developed the model through her work at Kids & Co Clinical Psychology (6 locations across Sydney) and refined it through thousands of clinical cases. The model is trademarked and forms the foundation of the Better Parent Academy online courses.

How is the Regulated Parenting Model different from Triple P?

Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) is an evidence-based system that focuses primarily on specific parenting strategies and behaviour management techniques. The Regulated Parenting Model shares the evidence base but begins at a different starting point: the parent's own nervous system. Where Triple P gives you tools to manage your child's behaviour, the RPM asks you to regulate yourself first, build connection second, and only then apply behavioural strategies. Both are effective. The RPM is particularly helpful for parents who know what they should do but cannot do it in the heat of the moment.

What age group is the Regulated Parenting Model designed for?

The model applies to parents of children at every developmental stage, from infancy through adolescence. The specific techniques differ by age (you do not set the same boundaries with a two-year-old as you do with a fifteen-year-old), but the three-phase framework of Regulate First, Connection, and Consolidation is universal. Dr Cohen's books cover different age ranges: Parenting Made Easy: The Early Years for young children, Skilful Parent Happy Child for primary-age children, and Taming Teens for adolescents.

Is the Regulated Parenting Model evidence-based?

Yes. The model draws on established research in developmental psychology, neuroscience, attachment theory, and polyvagal theory. The principle that parental regulation precedes child regulation is supported by co-regulation research from the fields of interpersonal neurobiology and attachment science. The behavioural strategies in Phase 3 (Consolidation) align with well-established authoritative parenting practices. Dr Cohen has applied and refined the model across over 30 years of clinical practice with thousands of families.

Where can I learn the Regulated Parenting Model?

The Better Parent Academy offers several pathways. The Master Course ($1,997) provides the full model across 23 structured lessons with lifetime access. The Coaching Program ($3,500) adds live group sessions with Dr Cohen and her clinical team for parents who want guided, hands-on practice. There are also focused mini courses on specific topics such as Taming Technology ($397). Dr Cohen's four published books provide additional depth on applying the model at different ages.

Can the Regulated Parenting Model help with children who have ADHD or autism?

The model is used widely with neurodivergent children and their families. The core principle that a regulated parent creates the conditions for a regulated child applies regardless of diagnosis. However, the specific strategies in Phase 3 (Consolidation) may need to be adapted. For example, children with ADHD may need shorter, more concrete boundary statements, and children with autism may benefit from visual supports alongside verbal limits. Dr Cohen's clinical team at Kids & Co specialises in ADHD and autism assessments and can provide tailored guidance.

About the Author

Dr Anna Cohen is a Senior Clinical Psychologist (AHPRA PSY1176554, Doc.Clin.Psych) with over 30 years of experience working with children, adolescents, and families. She is the founder of Kids & Co Clinical Psychology (6 locations across Sydney), creator of the trademarked Regulated Parenting Model, and author of four books: Parenting Made Easy: The Early Years (2013), Parenting Made Easy: The Middle Years (2015), Taming Teens (2019), and Skilful Parent Happy Child (2023). The Better Parent Academy is her online platform bringing evidence-based parenting strategies to families across Australia and beyond.