How to Support Your Tantruming Toddler.

Hello Dr Anna Cohen here.!
Parents often ask me how they can support their toddlers when they’re experiencing a tantrum. Preschoolers undergo rapid physical and emotional changes, their minds and bodies are developing, and their exploration of the world is expanding. During this time, their ability to manage emotions and understand their needs often leads to overwhelm.

Let’s consider 5 common reasons why children whine and tantrum and the strategies that can help them meet their needs and support them in developing their emotional intelligence.

Although many reasons why children whine and tantrum four of the big ones include:

1. Running low on internal resources to cope with what is being asked of them;

2. Needing connection with their caregiver; not liking what is happening and not knowing how to effectively communicate and obtain what they want;

3, A need to express their emotions and let off steam; and

4. A big one is they know it works to get what they want (yikes remember that better parent key - what we pay attention to we see more of)
 

Let’s look at each one now:

1. Often times toddlers and young children whine and tantrum when they are running low on the internal resources to cope with what is being asked of them.

When this happens, we want to make sure their basic needs are met – these needs include the need for food and water, sleep, down time, and movement to help manage their energy levels. If any of these needs have not been met, then your little person will not have enough cognitive energy in the tank to cope with activities they do not want to do.

2. Needing connection with caregivers is another reason we see tantrums in little people.
Caregivers are the most important people in little peoples lives. Connection and attention are two of their biggest needs, and if this is not provided consistently, then they will seek other ways to gain your attention.  Telling your child off and getting angry when they are having a tantrum may not seem like a nice experience, but in that moment you are giving your little one your full attention, which for them then becomes rewarding. Remember that Better parent key – what we pay attention to we see more of!

Consistent positive attention, connection, and attachment are some of your biggest tools in assisting your little person to manage the ups and downs of the preschool years.  You would know all too well that toddlers and young children whine and tantrum when they don’t like what is happening and don’t know how to effectively communicate and obtain what they want.

Identifying (what your little person’s feelings are), validating (that feelings are always ok), through active listening and linking this validation to the context of why they are feeling this way), and lastly meeting the need, whether it is connection, comfort, or boundaries, of your little person’s emotions are essential for developing their emotional intelligence resources. This active listening approach is an essential tool in your parenting tool kit that will support you in managing situations of emotional overwhelm and tantrums!

3. Another common reason why children whine and tantrum is the need to express their emotions.

There is so much going on for our little ones, sometimes they just need to let off some steam.  Meet your little one with comfort and connection, and when you are able to, show them other ways to manage that steam. You can get them to do jumping jacks, rip up paper, pound play dough or do any number of other fun things to release that energy.

4. One of the most common things I see is little people knowing that tantrums get them what they want. As such it becomes habit very quickly. I am not saying young people like having tantrums but remember what we pay attention to we see more often.

I know that whining and tantrums can be very frustrating to manage, and as parents we just want it to be over with as quickly as possible. If there is no emergency, then time and patience will be key. Take a deep breath, use your stop, breath and respond method to ace your parenting and any of your other tools from your parenting toolkit. It could be giving them a choice, using distraction or humour, or engaging in co-regulation with them.

Final Thoughts

As we wind up this conversation, by way of some final thoughts remember using these strategies with your little person will help and support them in building their emotional intelligence and help you understand why they may be having a tantrum and what they might want from you. While it may feel difficult navigating these times with little people, remember that the comfort and connection you’re providing them, along with positive attention for the behaviours you want to see more of, will assist them in managing these ups and downs.

If you're looking for more insights on parenting strategies, feel free to visit the Better Parent Academy, or my book Parenting Made Easy – the Early Years, where you can explore courses designed to equip you with valuable tools and techniques.

Remember, it’s okay to take your time, be kind to yourself, and trust that the work you’re doing will have a lasting positive impact on your child.
You’ve got this!

I wish you joy in your parenting.