Creating Meaningful Conversations with Teens

Parents often ask me about the best ways to communicate with young people. My response is always about the power of resonant awareness— this involves parents being curious, open, accepting and loving. By engaging with adolescents with openness and warmth you will effectively let them know that you are safe to talk to. Practicing resonant awareness when teens are open and chatty, it's our opportunity to deepen our connection with them. Here are key strategies to enhance this connection:

1. Be Emotionally Available: Slow down, listen, and observe without quick judgements or emotional reactions. Focus on understanding what your teen is experiencing.
2. Listen Without Interruption: Allow teens to speak without cutting them off. Conversations with teens quickly lose their flow if parents interrupt. It’s okay to ask questions, just ensure that your teen does most of the talking.
3. Validate Their Feelings: Learning what types of validation resonate with your teen can be transformative and will support further conversation. You can try active listening, which is providing focused attention without saying a lot, and instead using nodding and making eye contact i.e., ‘mmm … uh hu …’. It’s important that you activate your curiosity and open-mindedness while doing this, so that you can be authentic in your quiet interest. You can also try reflecting, which involves repeating back what you hear them saying in your own words. For example, you might say, ‘I can hear that it was hard for you when …’. Another approach is acknowledgment, where you acknowledge that you understand their situation, for instance by saying ‘I would feel like that too if it happened to me.’
4.  Practice Attuned Body Language: Give your full attention by making gentle eye contact and showing you are engaged through small affirmations like nods or sounds. Relax your posture to stay open and receptive, which helps in maintaining a non-reactive and focused presence.
5. Keep Your Emotions in Check: If you experience an intense reaction triggered by what a young person is sharing, they may become uncomfortable and back off from sharing with you. By acknowledging your adolescent’s feelings and your desire to support them despite the difficult content of their sharing, your adolescent’s emotional experience remains central to the conversation. For example, saying, ‘I'm so glad you’re sharing this with me. Let's take some time to think about this more. Let me know what you need from me and how I can best support you.’
6. Be Interested, Not Intrusive: Pay attention to their non-verbal cues. If they seem uncomfortable or defensive, give them some space while offering reassurance that you are there for them.
7. Avoid Making Every Interaction Educational: Teens often feel overwhelmed by constant learning and advice. Instead, express confidence in their abilities by saying, ‘I bet you’ll figure out exactly how to handle that,’ or ask if they would like to hear your perspective, thereby empowering them to take the lead in their problem-solving process. 
8. Sharing Is Important: Engage actively with their stories, showing that you remember details, which will affirm to them that they are loved and that their thoughts and feelings are significant.
9. Acknowledge Their Feelings: Recognise the emotional content of what they’re sharing. Simple acknowledgments like, ‘That sounds really hard,’ or ‘I can see why you felt that way,’ help validate their experiences without overwhelming them with advice or dismissals.
10. Maintain Respectful Boundaries: Avoid asking their friends for private information, which can damage trust. Remember that respecting their privacy encourages them to open up to you more willingly.
11. Respect Their Confidentiality: Teens value their privacy intensely. Sharing their private matters, even within the family, can cause them to retreat emotionally. Always consider whether you would have wanted similar information shared about you during your teenage years.
12. Support Their Individuation: Recognise that teens need to develop their own identities, separate from their parents. Celebrate this growth, even when it feels difficult, by listening with empathy and support.

Final Thoughts Remember, by engaging with your teen with openness and warmth, you can transform your interactions into rich, meaningful conversations. For more detailed guidance on how to attune better with your teen, head over to the Better Parent Academy and explore my course, "Small Changes, Big Impact," or pick up a copy of my book, "Taming Teens." You’ve got this! I wish you joy in your parenting journey.